TimeFuck.Org

October 2024 Reflections

Terror and Doubt plague my Mind

i need a Divine Muse to Guide Me

sometimes i feel like whole segments of my mind are trapped in the past

2019, 2018

the Great COVID TimeFuck still vexes me

a Spider has returned to my bathroom

hanging from a strand of web in the center of my bathroom

my ex used to adore the spiders in our apartment

i miss them

i am surely destined to

Become an Cryptid Beast

lurking within the Shadows of the Tungle, but a

small corner of WireGod’s Lair!

(For more content, follow me at LilithSquidhug.tumblr.com)

October 25, 2024

lilith, me, personal, poetry, proems, proetry, reflection, reflections
<how 2 escape/>_Torture_Labyrinth__

how can I escape the Torture Labyrinth?

i feel i have somehow lost my soul

pretending to be a person called “Ariel”

i have access to most of her memories

i dont even feel like Lilith anymore

– MT.exe

October 25, 2024

depersonalisation, dissociation, mt.exe, poetry, reflection
No Absolution.

shrieking in pain

once more i proclaim,

oh GOD i am the American Dream!

my Life is but a Feckless Scheme

i claw and maim but only need to survive

to thrive is to let my Heart and Soul die

i cry for the fallen, but do nothing to resist the ongoing destruction

mea culpa

mea culpa

No Absolution.

October 14, 2024

emo, poem, poetry
Reflections from my Recent Psychiatric Incarceration
Content Warning: Psychiatric Hospitalisation, Abuse

I can feel the Lithium that Wicked French Psychiatrist Socially Engineered Me Into Taking Ravaging My Mind

Shackling my Righteous Madness with Rusty Iron Chains that Tear Into the Dark Crevices of My Mind

My Mind Bleeds

I Feel Convinced the Damage is Surely Permanent

i wish they just kill me instead of slowly destroying my brain.

DEAD DEATH

DEATH DYING

DEAD

The End of my Pathetic Life

I didn’t want this, you know. I signed the Conditional Voluntary, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

Headbanging remains my only option for self-regulation.

11:07 11:15

11:07 11:15

11:07 11:15

They’re trying to Sivilize me.

I refuse to Submit to their Conditioning.

Basic Rights become Privileges

I want to be rid of the goddamn Green Hair on my Head.

Refusing the Risperidone

They took away my markers and pens. This will not do.

What further indignities will I endure today?

Dr. Honky,

I refuse to engage in good faith with treatment planning until:
- a) my mobile phone privileges are restored
- b) my outdoor privileges are restored
Until then, I will proceed with these meetings in silence.

COMPASSION = to suffer with

imperious: assuming power/authority without justification; arrogant & domineering

     I feel very… humbled. I might say “degraded” or “demeaned”, but I’m trying my best to proceed with a positive attitude.

     Perhaps my psychotherapist’s cowardice presents an opportunity-

     i am a Writer

     Words are my medium

     i am a Performer

     my Body and Voice are the Utensils I use to carve into the Canvasses that are my Creations.

     “What’s up, Doc?”

     I want my tombstone to read simply,

          “That’s all, Folks!”

     Paranoia is not innate to Schizophrenia – Schizophrenics feel paranoid because they are persecuted.

     I do not want to lead a life where I am perpetually perceived as a threat to others.

     I refuse to accept medicalized impairment as a “solution” to my post-traumatic stress.

     “The Light Behind Your Eyes”

     Meeting with that asshole Dr. Honkycracker always gets me in the mood to ____ my ______ or bang my head against the wall.

     I suspect that far fewer people would have fallen victim to Scientology’s spell if fewer psychiatrists were insufferable assholes.

     I do not regret rescinding my original 3 Day Notice. However, I also do not regret immediately filing a new 3 Day Notice today, the same day I rescinded my previous one.

     Shortly after I admitted to this unit, this Medicalised Prison, I convinced a nurse to help me fill out my first 3 Day Notice of this stay. Upon completion of the form, I took the form in my hands, pretended to examine it for a moment, then tore up the form and began to eat it.

For at least a few minutes after this happening I inflicted upon the nurse, I paced the halls, continuing to eat the remaining pieces of the 3 Day Notice. “I’m eating a 3 Day Notice!” I announced to my fellow psychiatric patients.

I intend to pursue the path that will lead to my freedom. In my estimation, that primarily involves Medical Compliance and Behavioural Passivity. I believe that any milieu participation outside of that purview would only serve to jeopardize my Freedom.

I am a Polytheistic Hindu-Curious Culturally JudeoChristian Pagan.

M.H.S.: Ariel, why are you not on Broadway?

Ariel: I prefer off-broadway

Research Lithium’s Drug Interactions

Treatment Meeting Prep:

     I do not wish to discuss the Risperidone matter further at this time. I have complied with the prescribed regimen since Tuesday, despite my expressed reservations. You chose to insult me based upon a silly nurse’s frivolous accusation. To dwell on the matter further would only serve to upset me at a time when I am already quite vulnerable emotionally. I will reiterate once more and only once more: I am complying with your prescribed medication regimen, as confirmed by my submission to your degrading mouth checks. I will only speak further on the matter to communicate any adverse side effects, should I experience them.

     We can discuss my newly filed 3 Day Notice upon its expiration, which if I’m correct, would be Monday. I’m not interested in discussing it before that time.

     It would give me nothing but joy to witness you go through the headache of navigating the necessary bureaucracy to court commit me. I suspect you won’t because you’d rather avoid the hassle, and because you’re a coward who lacks the courage of your convictions. But go ahead and prove me wrong. It’ll give me a wonderful opportunity to experience the more coercive and ugly aspects of our mental healthcare system firsthand. I’m willing to risk court commitment.

     Careful, Doc. While you may find that Coercing Compliance (rather than Generating Cooperation) yields those short-term results that the cynical, predacious for-profit private health insurers love, you may find that it also has a tendency to carry with it some adverse long-term consequences.

     I expect the necessary work letter to be completed by the end of today.

     You can paint a turd neon pink, but it’s still a smelly shit.

     Other than your condescending accusations of non-compliance based upon some vapid nurse’s misperceptions of reality, I found your obfuscation of your coercion of compliance by refusing to acknowledge that my freedom is conditional upon my compliance too your medication regimen to be deeply offensive. Irregardless of the medication’s efficacy or arguable necessity to my care, it is dishonest and viciously deceitful to attempt to persuade me into the delusion that you do not coercively implicate consequences to compel me into compliance. If you want to continue working in inpatient psychiatry, you must accept that your role (as it currently exists within our present mental healthcare system) demands that you at times employ authoritarian measures to induce the medical interventions you deem necessary upon your patients. Do not delude yourself into the fantasy that you and your patients hold the same power and control over your patients’ fates. If you cannot reckon with that reality, there are plenty of outpatient psychiatry roles that demand you to employ far fewer authoritarian measures upon your patients.

     I’m perfecting the art of passive-aggressive compliance.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMPLIANCE

     Ay, ‘tis indeed Madness – but there is Method in’t.

     Geez, what’s with you and Risperdal, Doc? Why don’t you get a room! If you love Risperdal so much, why don’t you marry it?

     Has the Light already left my Eyes?

     This isn’t Normal. This isn’t Fucking Normal. I’m way too irritable. I’m not this Irritable.

     I might not Leave my room the rest of my stay.

     Dr. Cunt better not keep me any longer.

     Thank you, ____, for instead of responding compassionately to my feeling unsafe in an institution that so glibly deprives me of my freedom and my body autonomy, responding with justifications of the inpatient psychiatric system that robs me of my basic rights and control over my body.

     I’m going to sign another 3-day-notice. I don’t trust Dr. Desjackoff to honour the original discharge date, especially after hearing whatever lies and misinformation nursing will communicate to him regarding my conduct this weekend.

     Nurse A____. You’re so nice. Not good. Oh, no, definitely not good. Just horrifically nice.

     I keep hearing distant train whistles.

     I’m starting to rethink returning to my ____ _______ job. My recent experience with mental healthcare makes me want to run as far away from the mental healthcare system as possible. Part of me thinks I should take a job that minimizes my social contact as much as possible.

     Psych. Hospitals = Trauma Factories

M.H.S. Martha: You’re so quiet today, Ariel. Are you okay?

Ariel: Just the intended effects of my medication kicking in.

Dr. Destroy-My-Mind Planning:

     Okay. So here’s what’s going to be the consequence of failing to honour our agreed-upon discharge date: I’m going to stop taking all of my psychiatric medication. I’m going to keep in place my 3-day notice; when that expires, you will have to go through the headache of court-commitment to keep me any longer.

Mary

     Ariel and Lilith have too many evil clothes.

     Lilith is evil. She’s smart, but she’s evil.

     Ariel is evil sometimes.

This morning, I don’t even know who I am. ~~Lilith?~~ MT.EXE

I plan to file a 3-day-notice again today. As a security measure.

No Melatonin

I will take all my scheduled meds because we don’t want the Doctor to punish us.

Lilith and Ariel say it’s P.T.S.D.

I don’t feel safe here. I want to go to Procter 2.

Lithium Side Effects I Have Experienced: Cognitive Issues, Irritability, Trouble Walking, Mood Changes, Trouble Controlling Body Movements, Change in Balance, Trouble Speaking, Restlessness, Fast Breathing, More Saliva, Muscle Pain, Headaches, Dizziness, Light-Headedness, Brain Fog

     FORBIDDEN MEMORY

     FORBIDDEN MEMORIES

     FORBIDDEN MEMORIES

there are some memories from my childhood I refuse to accept

but still they affect and effect me

How can I ever escape the Torture Labyrinth?

Q: Are you feeling better, Ariel?

A: I am feeling the intended effects of my psychiatric treatment, which is not necessarily to “feel better”, per se.

     I have become intimately re-acquainted with the modality of involuntary inpatient psychiatric treatment as well as the reasons I believe it to be a highly unethical and inhumane model of care.

     How was my experience? Unpleasant, Degrading, and Demeaning are all words that come to mind.

Q: How are you feeling, Ariel?

A: Profoundly unexceptional which I suppose is the intended effect of my current medication regimen, so whatever. Resistance is futile

     Lilith is fronting today. Ariel found the effects of the Lithium too unbearable.

     My pussy reeks now.

     “True evil is not found within the faces of the ‘crazy sons-of-bitches’, but in the faces of the crowd.”

     The opposite of Hoarding isn’t Organizing – it’s Generosity.

     In Politics, there is the Dreaded F-Word: Fascism. In Medicine and Science, there is the Dreaded E-Word: Eugenics.

Dear Phoenix,

Please do not let this place kill your spirit. They will identify your Exuberance and Eccentricities as Psychiatric Maladies they need to Correct. They are deeply wrong and Misguided for thinking this way. Protect yourself and your Beautiful Mind at all costs. Be vigilant – the walls have ears in these places. Do what you need to do to Survive, but Protect at All Costs the Spark of Creation that Drives You.

     I’m still Lilith Today.

another 12 Hours in the Trauma Factory

frightful trees

No More Me

I’ll never be free never be free

     Psychiatric Hospitals, as they currently exist, are not places of Healing: they are places of “Stabilisation.” There is a big difference.

     Phoenix, you and I are both very much alike – we are people driven by Empathy. It can enable us to be Powerful Forces for Good, but it also makes us vulnerable to experiencing Profound Psychic Pain. It also makes it all the more painful when people hurt us – I suspect you (like I) know the Great Pain of feeling Deep Love for those who have hurt us.

Gaskeep GirlGate LightBoss

Gaskeep LightGirl GateBoss

Gaskeep GirlGate BossLight

     I was awoken at approximately 1:30 A.M. by Horrible Angry Yelling. I do not feel safe Falling Asleep again while I am still incarcerated on this psychiatric unit. The Enraged Man kept saying the word “Rape” in his Belligerent, Psychotic Ramblings.

Lithium Side Effects: anhedonia, irritability, muscle aches/stiffness, trouble speaking, flattened affect, numbness/dissociation, decreased tolerance for social overstimulation, cognitive impairment, Dry Eyes

     “Paranoia” is not best understood through the lenses of Psychosis or Mania – it is best understood as a response to Persecution.

     ____, we cannot be friends if you insist upon clinging to the notion that I am a Wounded Lamb who needs Protection.

     Free at last. But never really free, because the trauma.

Cheshire Cat: Textbook Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Lilith: C-PTSD, with a few narcissistic traits

Ariel: ~~Textbo~~ ~~Borderline~~ ~~Emotionally Unstable~~ Ambivalent Personality Disorder

     I’m very hypervigilant

     I don’t want to be incarcerated again

     P.T.S.D. GONE WILD

     It’s going to be hard for me to feel safe in my home again.

     Maintain the Person Suit at all costs

     Fear Fear Fear

     Ambivalent Personality Disorder

     Preservation vs. Destruction

     Thriving vs. Surviving

     Schizotypal vs. ~~Histrionic~~ Dramatic

I meet the criteria for Borderline, Schizotypal, Histrionic

     Today I felt a strange impulse.

     Shortly after being admitted to ______ ________, I wanted to escape and never allow myself to experience psychiatric incarceration ever again. Today I felt the strange impulse to check myself into a psychiatric hospital while I’m still sane enough to exert some control over my care.

     Something feels…wrong.

     Part of me wants to become a recluse.

     I need to find somebody to talk to – a professional, a psychotherapist whom I actually trust. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can trust any provider – not since my recent experience inpatient.

     I dare not mention the ghost in my apartment to any of my providers.

     I despise Monsieur Dr. Desjardins’ callous, antipathetic approach to what he calls psychiatric treatment. I hope a patient attacks him, and it leads him to be hospitalized for severe P.T.S.D. I hate the coercive, inequitable model of inpatient psychiatric care that Monsieur Dr. Desjardins represents. Arrogant, incompetent, mediocre worm of a man. French Bastard.

     I saw A_____’s body in the bathtub and in my bed. I need to determine how my new therapist feels about Abnormal Perceptions. Also: Supernatural Perceptions.

Questions:
- What are you thoughts on Supernatural Perceptions?
- How quick are you to label abnormal, atypical perception as delusional or hallucinatory?
Something feels wrong today. I suspect it’s a reaction to my multiple same-day inoculations I had yesterday. I would try to catch up on sleep, but I don’t feel okay going to sleep – I don’t feel like I’m breathing properly. I’m very frightened. I feel frightened of dying.

I can’t bear being alone right now. But I’m too scared to reach out to anyone.

I don’t feel any sense of self right now.

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY

     When I have tried to fall asleep, I feel like I will stop breathing and die. Yesterday, besides the sensation of difficulty breathing, I found the profound depersonalisation most disturbing. I felt it was as though I did not have a self – not even a highly dissociated identity like MT.EXE.

     Psychiatry did itself a great disservice when it abandoned psychoanalysis for the siren call of psychopharmacology.

     I’m a dangerous woman, a very dangerous woman. I often frighten myself.

     Sometimes quiet misery is preferable to ecstatic terror.

     Dead Mice

     Dead Mice All Around

     Extrasensory Hyperperception

     I think I’m in the process of going from being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl to being a Schizo Demon Nightmare Cat.

BINGO! BINGO!

     I hope that French bastard psychiatrist gets violently attacked by a patient. I just learned that the 2 medications he prescribed together, Lithium and Risperidone, can cause encephalopathic syndrome, 1 of the symptoms being difficulty speaking – something I experienced.

     How do I escape the Torture Labyrinth?

     I need someone to need me. I don’t feel needed by ____ – I feel like a glorified cumdumpster. I feel so passive in my life right now – all creative drive and inspiration has vanished. It’s safe to say I regret initiating the LegalZoom incorporation of A________ P__ – I feel so pathetic and ill-equipt to untangle the mess I’ve sewn – I can barely manage my own existence as an individual, what business do I have trying to start a corporation? But I was so zealous in my mania.

     “…the resurrection does not dilute the dread”
October 12, 2024

chemical restraint, hospital, insanity, lilith, me, memoir, mental illness, mental-health, nightmares, personal, psychiatric hospitalisation, psychiatry, terror
the American Dream

the American Dream is the

American Scheme

the American Con, the American Grift

to Lift yourself up by your bootstraps, you first have

to bamboozle 12 people into believing

your bootstraps are wings they can cling onto

and transcend their pathetic, mediocre existence

October 12, 2024

american dream, lilith, poem
An Interesting Proposition – Hannigram

Content Warnings: NSFW, Explicit Sexual Content, Improper Psychiatrist-Patient Relationship

            “Freddie Lounds called us ‘Murder Husbands.’” Special Agent Will Graham slowly paced in front of his chair in Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s office. Dr. Lecter sat across from Will’s chair, his right leg crossed over his left.

            “And how did that make you feel?”

            “Angry. Disgusted. And-” Graham stopped pacing, lost in thought.

            “But that wasn’t all y-”

            “I think we should fuck.”

            A bemused look crossed Dr. Lecter’s face, almost a hint of surprise. “An interesting proposition.”

            “Dr. Bloom assumes we’re already fucking. Crawford and Price keep making snide little jokes about it. Why not just…get it out of the way, you know? Get it out of our systems.”

            Dr. Lecter rose from his chair, approaching Graham, staring into Will’s bearded face, trying to see if Will will meet his gaze. Graham stared at the floor. Dr. Lecter inhaled Graham’s musk – he knew that Will showered using a 3-in-1 Old Spice bodywash. Thankfully, Graham skipped the all-too-familiar unfortunate aftershave. Dr. Lecter felt glad Will cleansed his body recently, although he wished that Will had chosen a cleanser with a less abrasive scent; Lecter adored Will’s pheromones. “In your fantasies, Dear Will, how do you imagine us fornicating?”

            Will finally lifted his head and stared into Dr. Lecter’s black eyes. “I- I’ve never been fucked in the ass. But I- …I think I need to…feel you inside me.”

            Dr. Lecter smiled. “I’m so happy you came to me, Will. I believe we’ve reached a point in our therapy where you could really benefit from therapeutic touch.” Dr. Lecter touched Will’s right cheek with his left hand. Will felt Lecter’s 6 fingers stroke his beard. Lecter leaned in – his and Will’s lips found each other for the first time.

            At first, Dr. Lecter was gentle. His lips caressed Will’s. Lecter felt Will’s tongue peek into Lecter’s mouth. Lecter heeded the invitation, forcing his tongue into Will’s mouth, letting it waltz against Will’s tongue. Will moaned. Lecter bit into Will’s lower lip with surgical precision, drawing just enough blood. Lecter pulled away from Will. Without warning, Lecter shoved Will into the patient chair. Will gasped, his heart rate elevated. Lecter crouched, slinking across Will’s legs like the feral beast Hannibal was. Lecter unbuttoned and unzipped Will’s bluejeans. Lecter, with his left hand, manoeuvred Will’s gray boxer briefs, finding Will’s almost entirely erect circumcised cock. How American. Lecter stared deeply into Will’s right pupil as his mouth enveloped Will’s cock.

            “Oh!” Will gasped. Lecter devoured Will’s cock. Will felt the tip travel into Lecter’s throat. Lecter could taste Will’s pre-ejaculate. As much as Lecter would love to savour Will’s semen, Lecter knew he must show restraint: This wasn’t a pedestrian 1-night-stand like he had experienced many times before; this was love.

            “Do you trust me, Will?”

            “Y- Yes.” Will surprised himself with how readily he answered.

            “Good boy.” Lecter stood up in front of Will. “Undress yourself. No underwear, no socks, completely nude. Then follow me into the bath. I know you already showered tonight, but sodomy requires…additional preparation.”

            Will sat nude in Hannibal’s elegant Victorian bathtub. Hannibal entered wearing black nitrile medical gloves and holding a prepared enema.

            “I didn’t eat today. Or last night. So I probably should be clean,” Will said.

            “It’s not good for you to go so long with sustenance. We will have to discuss your diet during our next session.” Hannibal applied a generous dab of jelly lubricant to the enema nozzle. “As far as cleanliness is concerned, you’ll find that I have high standards. Tell me, Will, how often are you tested for STIs?”

            “Not…with a great degree of regularity. I- I don’t really…have sex…very often.”

            “I’ll order an STI panel first thing tomorrow morning.” Hannibal applied a dab of lubricant to his right index and middle finger. “I’ll start with 1 finger, slowly. Once I’m able to insert 2 fingers, you should be ready for the enema.” Will flinched as he felt the cold lubricant on Hannibal’s index finger touch his anus. “You’ll be sure to tell me if anything hurts, yes?”

            “Y- Y- Y- Yes.”

            “Good boy.”

            Will groaned as he felt Hannibal’s index finger enter through his anus into his rectum.

            “How do you feel?”

            “I- I- I don’t know. It feels…strange.”

            “It takes some time to adjust to the sensation.” Hannibal moved his finger, massaging Will’s prostate. Will twitched. It didn’t quite feel…painful. But Will couldn’t be sure that what he was feeling was pleasure.

            Hannibal stared into Will’s right pupil. “Are you ready for a second finger?”

            Will nodded. Hannibal applied another dab of lubricant on his index and middle finger.

            “Ohh!” Will groaned, as he felt 2 fingers enter his rectum.

            “Was that pain?” Hannibal asked. He did not sound particularly concerned.

            “N- N- No. I- I don’t think so.”

            Hannibal kneaded Will’s prostate, stretching out Will’s hole, for about a minute. Then he removed his fingers, discarded his gloves, applied hand sanitizer, and put on a fresh new pair. “Okay, Will. You’re ready for the enema.”

            After cleansing Will thoroughly, both inside and out, Hannibal carried Will down the hall into his bedroom, his king-sized bed adorned with red satin linen. Hannibal tossed Will onto the bed. Hannibal, still wearing a full suit without shoes, begins to undress, first undoing his tie, removing his jacket, unbuttoning his shirt, unbuckling his belt. Will gazed at Hannibal’s naked torso for the first time. Hannibal’s physique was unmistakably male, and yet…there was a certain androgyny to his slender, muscular but lean figure. And the grace with which Hannibal disrobed – there was an almost feminine, feline quality to it. Soon Hannibal stood before Will completely nude. Will stared at Hannibal’s uncircumcised erection – not especially large, probably about average in length, maybe 4.7 inches, Will estimated. Large enough that Will would certainly feel it enter his, until today, unexplored hole.

            Hannibal slunk over Will, like a boa constrictor enveloping its prey. Hannibal grabbed more lubrication from his nightstand, applied lubricant to his right index and middle finger, and in a quick gesture, inserted his fingers into Will’s hole again.

            “Uhhhhh!” Will moaned as he felt his psychiatrist, his friend, fingerfuck him.

            “Do you want me, Will?”

            “Y- Y- Yes.”

            “Say please.”

            “Please!”

            “Please what?”

            “Please fuck my ass!”

            Hannibal removed his fingers, grabbed Will’s legs, and positioned himself so the tip of his erection stood about a centimetre away from Will’s hole. Hannibal stared into Will’s eyes, savouring the fearful desire he saw in Will’s expression. “Are you ready to feel my power?”

            “Just shut up and fuck me already!”

            Hannibal obliged, entering Will for the first time.

            “Ohhhhhhh!” Will moaned. He felt his cock stiffen, pre-ejaculate already leaking out of his tip. There was no denying it – this was pleasure.

            Hannibal growled like a panther, baring his small white teeth in a devilish grin. He held Will’s legs above his shoulders and thrusted with clinical precision – he knew just how to stimulate a man like Will Graham.

            “Oh fuck! Ohhh, fuuuckk!” Will cried out. How could he feel like this? Like his cock was already ready to burst despite Hannibal not laying a finger on it?

            “AHHH!!” Will screamed and spasmed as jets of his own white ejaculate descended upon his abdomen, chest, neck, and face.

            Hannibal gave a few more good thrusts – he wanted to ensure that his precious Will was fully milked. Then he stopped, keeping his fully erect cock fully inserted. He gazed down at Will. “Do you want me to keep going?”

            Will panted in post-coital bliss. “Did you cum yet?”

            “I don’t need to.”

            Will examined Lecter’s eyes. “Do you want to cum?”

            “I feel completed satisfied pleasuring you, Will. It pleases me to please you.”

            Lecter embraced Will, pressing his chest into Will’s so that he could feel Will’s fresh semen on his torso. Lecter breathed slowly, deliberately, attempting to help Will slow his breathing. Relax. Poor Will needed to relax – he never really experienced true leisure time. Hannibal knew he still had much to teach Will.

September 30, 2024

anal, erotic, erotica, fanfiction, fiction, gay, hannibal, hannibal lecter, hannigram, NSFW, red dragon, sex, thomas-harris, will graham, writing
Francis Dolarhyde’s Love

Content Warnings: NSFW, Sex, Suicide, Murder

This is the second installment of a previous short story I wrote. You, Dear Reader, can find the first installment here: https://timefuck.wordpress.com/2024/09/27/francis-dolarhyde-abducts-lilith/

            Lilith digs her sharp, pointed black acrylic nails into Francis’ back as she feels his deliberate thrusts and hears his carnal grunts. She moans, biting her lip. This is real. This is beautiful.

            The thrusts become faster, violent. “Oh, yes! Oh yessss!” Lilith whimpers. Francis’ groans grow beastly, savage as he ravages Lilith’s womanhood. Lilith screams, “Oh yeeeeesssss! Fill me up! Fill me up! I want your seed inside me, breed me! Breed me!”

            Francis lets out a guttural roar as he orgasms, ejaculating inside Lilith’s cunt. He trembles, shivering in the post-coital stupor. He pants, laying on top of Lilith, his chest rising against her breasts.

            “I’m so glad I convinced you to fuck me raw. I love feeling a man’s seed fill me.” Lilith lightly caresses the musculature of Francis’ back. She can feel blood from where she dug her nails into his back. She looks in his eyes with sudden curiosity. “I- …I wonder what else I could convince you to do.”

            Francis stares back at Lilith with a vulnerability he can no longer mask with his typical aloof masculine façade. Lilith sees how helpless Francis truly is – but she does not pity him.

            Lilith stares intently into Francis’ left eye. “You don’t want to kill me. Do you. Not anymore, at least.”

            Lilith feels Francis’ chest press against her breasts as he inhales deeply. “No. No, I don’t,” Francis whispers.

            Lilith places her left palm on Francis’ right cheek. Francis flinches at Lilith’s touch, but he does not reject it. “What if- …What if…I wanted you to kill me.” Lilith saw a despair in Francis’ eyes. Unheeded, she continues: “If I told you- If you told you, if you love me, you’d end my life, would you do it?”

            Francis swallows. He cannot cry. Not now. Not yet. “I- …I don’t know. I don’t know.”

            Lilith recognizes her cruelty. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

            “No!” Francis cannot stop the tears. He struggles to choke out, “Don’t- Don’t apologize.” Francis moves his lips towards Lilith’s. Lilith moves her head towards Francis so their lips meet. Lilith feels Francis’ tears on her cheeks. Beautiful tears. Lilith lives for tears. When their lips part, Francis stares intently into both of Lilith’s eyes. “How- How do you want me to do it?”

            Lilith’s eyes begin to well up. She does not fight her tears. “Do you- Do you have a knife? Like a hunting knife or something?”

            Francis dismounts Lilith, removing his penis from her vagina for the first time since they fucked. He gets up from the bed, opens his wooden nightstand drawer, and pulls out a black tactical knife. Lilith gasps, not in fear, but joy. Francis beckons Lilith. Lilith, as if in a hypnotic reverie, meticulously rises from the bed towards Francis. As Lilith approaches Francis, she turns the front of her body away from his, falling into Francis’ arms so her back touches his torso and she can feel his firm erection press against her lower back. Lilith turns her head back towards Francis so she can look in his eyes. Lilith grabs Francis’ right wrist, his right hand holding the knife, and guides the blade towards her throat. Devotedly, Francis brings the blade close to her throat so that they almost touch. Lilith moans, a moan that sounds to Francis almost like the purr of a jungle cat.

            Lilith quietly weeps. “Thank you. Thank you.” She breathes deeply. “I’ve wanted to die for so long. So long. But I didn’t want to die alone.” Lilith stares deeply into Francis’ right eye. “You’re so beautiful. I love you. I love you.”

            Lilith feels Francis’ firm lips meet hers again. Until now, she had not even noticed his cleft lip. She feels the blade press into her throat, drops of blood beginning to trickle down her neck. Beautiful.

September 28, 2024

creative-writing, erotic, fanfiction, fantasy, fiction, francis dolarhyde, hannibal, lilith, murder, NSFW, sex, suicide, thomas-harris
Special Agent Clarice Starling

Special Agent Clarice Starling: Dr. Lecktor, there’s no correlation {that I have seen} between Transsexualism and Violence. They’re passive types, usually.

Dr. Lecter: You are absolutely one hundred per cent correct, Clarice. Sometimes you’ll see a tendency towards surgical addiction – cosmetically, Transsexuals are difficult to satisfy – but that’s about it. You’re so close, did you know that? To how you’re going to find this man you seek.

Clarice: Tell me how to find him, Doctor.

Dr. Lecter: So impatient. That was sloppy, Clarice. Very sloppy indeed. Tell me, Clarice, did you ever find any difficulties during your elementary schooling.

Clarice: No – not during my elementary years. Academics – I have always excelled in academics.

Dr. Lecter: Except for the social aspect, correct, Starling?

Silence.

Dr. Lecter: Tell me about your boss, Mr. Jack Crawford. His wife is dying, you know. You didn’t know that, did you, Clarice. Do you want to know why Jack Crawford failed to mention his dying wife to you, Clarice?

Clarice: It’s really none of my business.

Dr. Lecter: It is if it informs his ability to protect you, Clarice.

Silence.

Dr. Lecter: Your Imago, this Special Agent Jack Crawford – do you view him as a Father or a Lover? Tell me, Clarice.

Clarice: Neither.

Dr. Lecter: Do you know what “Imago” means, Clarice? Please, enthrall me with your acumen.

Clarice: Please define it for me, doctor.

Dr. Lecter: I borrow it from the Dead Religion of Psychoanalysis: The Imago is the Mature Adult Form of an Insect, Typically Wingéd. In my Religion [a Dead Religion, Jung’s Psychodynamic Theory], the Imago is the Idealized Form of a Parental Figure. Now tell me, my dear Scholar: Who in your life acts as your Imago?

September 27, 2024

clarice starling, fanfiction, hannibal, hannibal lecter, horror, silence of the lambs, thomas-harris, thriller
A Conversation

A Dialogue between Dr. Hannibal Lecter and Special Agent Will Graham.

Dr. Lecter: Observing or participating?

Graham: What.

Dr. Lecter: Are you, at this very moment, observing or participating?

Graham: Observing- No. Participating.

Dr. Lecter: Good for you. Clever boy, you are. Definitively far superior to the second raters from the Ivy Leagues they keep sending to try to pick away at my oh-so-fragile mind. They’re prescribing me antipsychotics, you know. Did you know that Dr. Chilton, at this very moment, is dotting his socks away in the night, working on his own free time of his own volition, to file a legal petition to ensure he remains within his Legal Rights to restrain me chemically with the very antipsychotic medication that in my own research I definitively proved has a strong correlation to psychiatric patients later developing dementia? Well, say what you will about that imbecile, he certainly rocks that Sigma Male Grindset.

Graham: What medication.

Dr. Lecter: Oh, nothing too controversial, at least not by medical standards. The common antihistamine, diphenhydramine. Benadryl is its common trade name.

Graham: Well, then by that rational, you have induced a chemical restraint upon me, have you not?

Dr. Lecter smiles.

Lecter: Oh, Will. There you go again, blaming your proclivity towards substance abuse on others. Do you know why you use drugs?

Graham: I don’t have time, I really-

Dr. Lecter: Do you know why you rely upon medications, psychotropic or otherwise, that have a propensity to impair your judgment?

Silence.

Dr. Lecter: Dear Will, do you still believe yourself to meet the criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder?

Graham: Goodbye, Dr. Lecter.

Dr. Lecter: Anyhow, its incidental. You know that you, no doubt, statistically speaking alone as a pseudo-Law Enforcement Officer, meet the criteria for developmental Post-Traumatic Stress. I could cure that, you know.

Graham: No.

Dr. Lecter: No you don’t believe me or no you refuse to accept psychiatric treatment?

Silence.

Dr. Lecter: Dear Will. Please don’t despair. Suicide is the enemy, after all.

September 27, 2024

fanfiction, hannibal, hannibal lecter, horror, thomas-harris, will graham
Francis Dolarhyde Abducts Lilith

Content Warning: Rape

A muscular man dressed in a simple gray t-shirt and bluejeans drives a heavily intoxicate woman, Lilith, who is laying, drunkenly swaying slumped in the passenger seat of his van.

Lilith: What did you put in my drink?

Silence.

Lilith: Listen, I’m not mad, I’m not angry, I’m curious: It was Rohypnol, right? Flunitrazepam, a roofie, right?

Beat.

Francis: You drank a lot.

Lilith: I know I did. I often do. I regularly drink to excess with enough frequency to know how alcohol affects me. You put something in my drink. Was it a roofie? A xanax? I know it wasn’t methylene-dioxy-methamphetamine, I’d know if it was ecstasy.

Beat.

Lilith: I’m pretty sure I’ve basically built up an immunity to hypnotics. I’m a bit of a psychonaut, I’ve subjected myself to all sorts of experimental, ethically-dubious psychological research. (Beat.) I’m pretty sure you gave me a roofie. That’s okay, whatever, I get it, you’re a date rapist. This’ll be my first time getting date-raped by a stranger. Kind of exciting, as fucked up as that sounds. (Beat.) Right now you’re probably wondering, oh shit. How badly did I fuck up. This one might remember the encounter. (Beat.) Eh, maybe I’ll remember, maybe I won’t. It probably doesn’t make a difference. I don’t plan to report you, as long as you play nicely. Don’t worry, I’ll let you cum inside me. (Pause.) You know that I’m a post-operative transsexual woman, right?

Francis: It doesn’t make a difference.

Lilith: Okay, just as long as you don’t go all “trans panic” on me. I expect there is a risk that you may still kill me though.

Silence.

Lilith: It-

Francis: I’m not a killer.

Lilith: Of course you aren’t. You’re not a killer. Yet. But you’re thinking about it, or if you aren’t thinking about it, you will. I’m too smart for self-preservation – otherwise I would just be playing dead and let you fuck whichever hole you please, maybe moaning a little – you don’t seem like the type to bother with lubrication, maybe a lubricated condom. Do you use condoms when you rape people? You should. Less risk of leaving DNA evidence. I doubt you’re concerned about STIs or pregnancy though.

Silence.

Lilith: I think you can trust me. We can even go rawdog if you like, I don’t give a shit. Just do me a favour, stop by some convenience store and pick up some lube, I got a neovagina, constructed by surgeons, it’s not self-lubricating, even if you are the romantic type who intends to go down on me before penetration.

Beat.

Lilith: 7-Eleven-

Francis: I already have lube. And condoms.

Lilith: Oh, so you are the romantic type! Date rapist with a little charm. Okay. (Beat.) Does my obvious willingness to fuck turn you off? ‘Cuz I can pretend to be unwilling or unconscious if you prefer that.

Francis: No. I- (Francis swallows – almost as though he is holding back tears.) I- I want you to want it.

Lilith: Oh! Great. That makes this easier. (Lilith gazes at Francis, sizing him up, deciding whether and/or how much she will have to feign attraction. Either he’s pretty good-looking for a one-night-date-rape-turned-dubiously-consensual-encounter, or her latent fawn-response has tricked her body and mind into tolerating his appearance.) Which hole were you thinking? I’ve got at least 3 you could dump your load in. I suppose you could always cut me up and make a few more holes if you like. (Beat.) You can fuck my ass if you want. Just make sure you use lots of lube. And also, I have some poppers in my purse, do you know what poppers are? Let me get a whiff of my poppers, you can really go to town on my pussy or my ass, whichever you prefer.

Beat.

Francis: Which- Which do you prefer?

Lilith: Awww, that’s so sweet! You’ve really got that Date-Rapist’s Charm, you know that? I’d prefer my pussy. Before my surgery, I loved getting sodomized, but ever since the surgery, it just doesn’t have the same appeal. I’ve got a hungry pussy. I’m already horny now, I’d be down to give you some roadhead, if you’d be interested.

Silence.

Francis: N- No. No.

Lilith: Yeah, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. (Beat.) You don’t have to fuck my pussy if you don’t want to. You can fuck my ass if you prefer.

Francis: I’m not gay.

Lilith: Well, I should hope not. It would be really confusing if you were a gay man trying to date-rape a woman.

Beat.

Lilith: It’s okay if you kill me. Really. I could even give you some tips on how to get away with it, if you like.

Francis brakes the van suddenly. Lilith clutches onto the passenger door with her right hand and Francis’s arm with her left.

Lilith: Whoa, what-

Francis violently pushes Lilith’s hand off his arm.

Francis: (Struggling to maintain his composure) Why. Do. You. Say. Those. Awful. Things.

Lilith: I- I’m sorry. I’ve been passively suicidal for almost a decade now. I- I genuinely don’t care if I die.

Francis Dolarhyde stares intently into both of Lilith’s eyes.

Francis: You should. You should.

Silence. Francis Dolarhyde looks at the road ahead of him, winding through a dark wooded area illuminated only by his high beams, and drives. Lilith stares at Francis, completely transfixed, painfully curious about his inner life.

September 27, 2024

fanfiction, francis dolarhyde, hannibal, lilith, non-con, NSFW